Désolé
by DragonGirl13
Summary: Shinji muses over Kaworu, and recieves advice from them last person he expected...


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Eva, or any Eva characters.  
  
Yay, new ficcie! This one's just a one-shot (unless people bug me to write another chapter, which probably WON'T happen) that I wrote for my sis's new Shinji site that she's working on. It's based off of episodes 24 and 25 of the anime, and the first ten seconds of End of Eva. (You know, the quick little scene of Shinji in front of the place he met Kaworu, right before the infamous hospital scene.) This is my take on the events after Kaworu died right up until he visited Asuka in the hospital. Anyways, enjoy, and please review!  
  
Warnings: attempted suicide, Shinji being the depressed little antisocial young lad he is, and some mild slash/yaoi/shounen ai.  
  
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(That boy wished for death. The other boy granted that wish. The last angel is no more.)  
  
Shinji fell to the ground, weeping. He had been sitting there for hours, and would be there for hours to come. His body-wrenching sobs had begun much earlier, and he felt as though he had no tears left in his body.  
  
He dragged himself from the ground, not bothering to brush the sand off of himself. His pants were soaked with the high tide.  
  
Everything reminded him of Kaworu. Especially here.  
  
He stared out over the calm water. This place didn't know his sorrow. This place was empty. When Kaworu had sat here, however...the place had meaning.  
  
He heard the voice like a shadow in his mind.  
  
(Shinji stood staring at the water, entranced, the sun setting. As he pondered over the events of the last few days, he felt alone...completely alone. Suddenly, the silence was pierced by the melancholy sounds of humming.)  
  
Shinji fell to his knees once more.  
  
("The song is good.")  
  
Ode to Joy burst into his head, mocking him. A song that had lost its voice for Shinji, now that HE was gone.  
  
("I am Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu.")  
  
On one knee, Shinji's hands flew up to cover his ears, as if he could block out the memories.  
  
("You are fragile, like glass, your heart is, I mean. And this is worth earning my empathy."  
  
"Empathy?"  
  
"I'm saying, I love you.")  
  
Shinji was vaguely aware he was breathing heavily. It wasn't as if it mattered. The memories, all too recent, were flooding his mind, racing through brief flashes of his recent life.  
  
("No, no, NO! I won't believe it! How can you tell me Kaworu-kun's an angel?!")  
  
("I'm saying, I wish for death.")  
  
"Kaworu-kun..." Shinji could not bear it. He could not make his hands move to grant Kaworu his wish. Somehow, though, he was hazily attentive to the quick, brief movement of his hand.  
  
He could not bear to look down, however. He could not see what he had done. Seeing the lifeless body of Kaworu...if he didn't see it, then he could still believe Kaworu was alive.  
  
The last few measures of Ode to Joy ran through his head, then died down into nothingness.)  
  
Shinji curled into a fetal position on the beach, the tide soaking around him. All he could do was think of Kaworu, what he'd done, all of it...he couldn't accept it. He couldn't let it be true.  
  
It had to be a dream.  
  
If it was a dream, it wasn't real. He hadn't killed Kaworu. He hadn't...he...  
  
(Shinji typed in the emergency eject code for the entry plug. Though he had never used it, he used it now, to escape this reality. The plug slammed with a vengeance against the wall of Terminal Dogma. LCL sprayed everywhere, mixing with the river of blood and LCL it floated in.  
  
Keeping his eyes downcast and averted from the Eva, Shinji forced the door open. He turned, and stumbled drunkenly away from the scene of tragedy behind him, clutching his sides protectively.  
  
His foot bumped something floating in the water. It was probably nothing, but thinking of what it COULD be...Shinji screamed. He screamed, hot tears, stinging his eyes. He refused to open them. And then...he blacked out.)  
  
The body of Ikari Shinji lay motionless. Salt water swirled around his hair, mixed with his tears. He opened his eye, a plan forming in his dizzy mind.  
  
Slowly, slowly, he stood up, looking for an available spot. He found it, a nearby building. Not too tall, but tall enough.  
  
Shinji, stumbling and sobbing, climbed the stairs of the decrepit structure, reaching the mangled top floor. He closed his eyes, allowing the breeze to dry his tears.  
  
He smiled to his self, and closed his eyes.  
  
Without looking down, he jumped.  
  
(Shinji's eyes fluttered open. He stared up at the cold, unfamiliar ceiling of the hospital. A sneer escaped his lips.  
  
"I hate this ceiling."  
  
"Shinji..."  
  
Shinji turned to face Misato. She smiled sadly, "Shinji...your awake. Good. Do you need to t- well...let's take a walk."  
  
Shinji nodded and got out of bed.)  
  
The water now swirled over his whole body, dragging him under. He allowed his eyes to open, letting him see one last burst of color before they closed again.  
  
Ghostly arms wrapped around his waist. Silver hair floated by, red eyes flashed in the darkness. Shinji felt his body being lifted, lifted...he saw a light...  
  
"Shinji-kun. Shinji-kun. Open your eyes, Shinji-kun."  
  
It was the voice from his memories, the sweet voice of Kaworu.  
  
It was only a dream. A vision from the edge of death.  
  
Or...  
  
"Am I...in heaven?"  
  
The voice of Kaworu laughed, "No, Shinji-kun, your not dead, fortunately. Though you did worry me for a little bit."  
  
Shinji's eyes fluttered open. Slowly, he sat up, and turned.  
  
There he stood, Kaworu, smiling and soaked and perfect.  
  
("Shinji, Kaworu ignored his will to survive. He chose death.")  
  
Kaworu's ethereal skin glowed with a soft light. Water dripped from his hair. He looked so...real. So...alive. Red eyes sparkled with happiness. One warm hand rested on Shinji's shoulder. So like a dream. So unreal.  
  
("Your survival is not a mistake, Shinji.")  
  
"Your...alive..." Kaworu's other hand rested on Shinji's forehead. He pushed Shinji's soaked bangs back.  
  
He shook his head. Small flecks of water fell to the water. "No, Shinji- kun. I'm not. I wished for death, and you granted that wish. I'm truly an angel now, not just in name." He chuckled. That Nagisa tepid laugh.  
  
("Misato...how can you be so cruel?")  
  
Shinji had no words to say. He stammered a bit more, "You...I...death..."  
  
"You need to stop letting it eat you up inside, Shinji-kun. I asked you to give me the ultimate freedom, and all you did was grant me that wish."  
  
"I had no right to kill you! You are just as human as me or Ayanami or Asuka!" Shinji was crying. Sobs racked his body. He cradled himself. He was shaking. He was muttering. "Kaworu-kun...Kaworu-kun...I should never have been an Eva pilot. All I've done is hurt people and...kill...but...but-"  
  
(Shinji got up and walked away from Misato. She didn't stop him. She couldn't stop him. And she knew.)  
  
Kaworu's embrace cut him off. Shinji felt warm. He inhaled Kaworu's sweet scent, as if from a distant dream. Memories flooded him. Emotions. His arms encircled Kaworu, clutching his shirt as he held on for dear life.  
  
He was afraid to let go.  
  
(Shinji watched the sunrise over the beach. It was the second time in two days. If he closed his eyes, the scent of Kaworu was still here. If he listened, he could still hear the cheerful tune of Ode to Joy. He began to reflect, and, for the first time, remember.)  
  
They sat in silence for a long time. Kaworu was solid. He was there. He felt and looked real, but he had said that he was dead, so he couldn't really be here.  
  
Shinji had finally gone insane.  
  
"I must be dreaming." He murmured into Kaworu's shirt, breaking the silence. "I must have died in that water."  
  
"No, Shinji-kun. You are still alive." Kaworu's face was pressed into his shoulder. Shinji felt, rather than saw, him smile. "You aren't dreaming. You aren't dead. I'm the one who's gone."  
  
:But why, Kaworu-kun?! Why can't you just stay here...with...with...with me. Why can't we be together? Angel or human, I don't care! I need you here!" Shinji's tears soaked his shirt further.  
  
"Because it cannot happen. You know that. Only one can live: angel or human. One will eventually kill the other. My existence is the one that had to die."  
  
"Why...why..."  
  
"Deep down, you already know. You knew, from the moment I held your hand and looked into your eyes and told you that I loved you. You knew then; I had chosen humanity."  
  
"But you didn't tell me you were-"  
  
Kaworu laughed, "You already knew, on a level I can't explain. You can't know this level, either, but it was real and there."  
  
(And so, you killed him.)  
  
"But if I knew...."  
  
(And so, you killed him.)  
  
"If I already felt you were an angel..."  
  
(And so, you killed him.)  
  
"THEN WHY DID I FALL FOR YOU!" Shinji was beyond control now. He pulled away from Kaworu's grasp and laid on the ground, sobbing and moaning, ripping at his hair, wailing and screaming and wishing he was dead.  
  
(And so, you killed him.)  
  
Kaworu said nothing for a long time. He waited for Shinji to quiet down for a moment. And then, he spoke, "Shinji-kun, you aren't wrong. Love can come at any time, from anywhere. I loved you, even though I was an angel. I loved you enough to beg for death. You loved me enough to grant me the one thing I ever asked of you. You love me enough to think you were wrong. You love me enough to grant me the other wish I have." His smile seemed a bit melancholy, now. "You love me enough to carry on with Third Impact. You love me enough to change this world so that you and all of humanity can live."  
  
"As Misato said, your survival was not a mistake. I wanted it. Enough to put us both through all of this."  
  
"I've got to go now. But, still, I want you to think. I want you to think about Third Impact. I want you to think about surviving."  
  
Shinji reached for him, his face covered in tears and sand. Kaworu grasped his hand with his own, already beginning to fade.  
  
Their eyes met, their lips met. Kaworu smiled.  
  
"I think that you should go see Asuka now. A new beginning has been laid out for you to live. You just need to find it." Kaworu's body rose. He faded into the sunset, into the seashore, floating away. Shinji's arms reached out for him, aching for him to return. Begging him to stay.  
  
("I'm saying, I love you.")  
  
"Good-bye, my Shinji-kun." 


End file.
